Thursday, 2 March 2017

My Story so Far

If you have followed me for a while, you will know that I have been in a string of bad relationships.

The guy I was with for 4 years (on and off) was an abusive c**t, and as hard as it is for me I cannot seem to get over all the things that happened. My mind is damaged and I find it hard to open up to men, my mind instantly goes to that I need to make them happy and do whatever they want. Whether it makes me uncomfortable or not. I know not all guys are the same, however that doesn't help when you are trying to date someone. How are you supposed to explain this type of mental damage to someone you have only just met, I know you don't have to spill it all on the first date; but when it comes to later on in dating and sex, it would be kind of important to have them understand you.

Last year (I think) I started seeing someone from work, and it was all about sex. Whilst this was ok for the present I soon wanted to see if it could be more. That proved to be an issue, he seemed to be just as manipulative as my ex. with little things, like on a works lunch, he got angry with me because I didn't sit next to him... he didn't want anyone at work knowing and also what did it matter? We weren't even dating. I asked him to come to a friends BBQ, but even this seemed to be too much trouble for him. Little comments such as saying "I love you" to my brother was considered to be incestual to him. Needless to say that ended when I could.

I stayed away from men for a very long time after this and have only just started to date again.   

Dating is always hard and I haven't ever really dated, so starting to date now is actually very hard for me. I haven't been able to really click with anyone since the major mind fuck and even the one guy I did click with lived over 4 hours away.

I have also started to get used to living on my own and am getting a little set in my ways. I like that I have my time with Harley and sleeping with her in bed. I don't want someone to come along and change that, I want someone to fit in with that.

Since I have started writing this I have realised a few things that I need to stop comparing my life to my friends, yes they may have homes and babies. But are they actually happy?  Truthfully no I don't think they are completely happy. One friend is stuck in a relationship similar to the one I escaped but is now trapped with a young baby, so why was I comparing my life to hers and letting myself get upset at the fact that I haven't got a child?

I have also had the attention of a few men that are unavailable.. as in they are already in relationships or married. This in itself is totally unfair to me and their partner. To be perfectly clear I have in no way lead these people on, and just speak to them as I would any other friend, but somehow they take it as me flirting. It makes me angry and upset that men have such little respect for me that they would much rather ruin our friendship than just be honourable men. I guess that's the main problem nowadays isn't it.. there are no honourable men any more.  

This leads me to where I am currently, which is right where I started. Single, and this time I am quite content and happy with it. Be happy in your own company and don't conform to the highlight reel of others lives and relationships.

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


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