Wednesday, 27 June 2018

Should I Question Myself?

There are times in our lives when we have to re-evaluate how we do things or portray ourselves. I have certainly hit that point, recently hitting rock bottom and opening up to close family and friends about my mental state.

I find that a lot of the time I do always put others first, considering their feelings and situations before mine. Letting in people I probably shouldn't because I am in such a vulnerable state of mind and not knowing how to get out of it for fear of upsetting the other person.

I have currently come to realise that I am in a very bad way mentally and do need to ask for help, finally accepting it from my family. Which for me is a very hard thing to do, not because I am proud but, because I am very independent.

With that in mind, meeting new people can be quite challenging. I always try to take people at face value, however, this has landed me in so many bad situations in the past, that it is hard for me to turn off the voice in my head telling me to keep watch. To be wary of anyone offering anything to me, especially when I do not necessarily know them.

Having met a few new friends at these meetup groups I now attend, I thought it would be nice to start hanging out outside of the group. One guy seemed to be genuinely interested in being my friend going so far as to agree with me that dating within this group is not something he wants to do. I made it perfectly clear that I want to keep that group separate from any love life. So obviously I had it in my head that it was purely a friendship connection.

Don't get me wrong, I have made other friends within this group too, and met up with them. I have mentioned Marie, in previous Lookbacks, so I know that you can make some genuine friendships if you open up and try.

So after meeting up a couple of times and opening up about myself, I have come to question things with this guy. When they say they understand you may have bad days etc. that you may need space and time, but then, turn around and keep mentioning that you can stay/ should stay at theirs for a change of scenery or for the company?? Well, that just felt pushy and a little odd to me.

After being in controlling relationships in the past, I am not willing to go back to anything remotely close to that. Not to mention a dream that included me flirting with someone, that made him jealous??? Sorry? What?? Why even mention it and why have that thought at all? Seriously we have met up about 3 times now and there are some serious warning bells going off in my head.

It honestly leads me to question whether I have led him on in anyway, or whether I should just stay away from people in general? Landing myself in situation after situation such as this? Seriously, am I just too nice for my own good? or just naive?

I also find myself questioning my instincts. Am I overthinking things? Am I just looking for signs that aren't there? But talking to friends, that know me well, I find that my thought process is not as crazy as I initially thought.

I suppose what I should question is who I have become myself. How I portray myself to others, losing my confidence and giving off a timid vibe, gives others the power to manipulate me however they choose. Always be true to yourself and if you ever question yourself look within or to those close to you that can attest to your character and give you honest unbiased feedback.

Jeans: H&M
Trainers: Ugg
Bag: Olympus 
Shirt: Lipsy
Belt: Primark

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


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