Thursday, 23 August 2018

Me, Myself & Suicide

I know the title may seem a little controversial and not within my usual remit, but this has been a long time coming and having now finally told my Nan how I am feeling, I am finally able to open up. Saying that I have probably already re-written this sentence about 5 times, I guess I don't really know how to start or introduce this subject.


I just want to start by saying I have spoken to those close to me, I am currently in counseling and I am in no way crying wolf, calling for help or anything like that. I suppose I just want to release what is in my head and hopefully it may help someone in a similar position seek help.

It is no secret that I have been struggling mentally, feeling low is an understatement, but what people have been unaware of is just how far I have fallen. Letting things spin out of control, to the point where I have considered the worst on more than one occasion.

Considering ending it all, is not something to take lightly and should never be ignored, though I understand that some people may use it as a way to get attention. For me, I have had several thoughts this year alone and a few more in the past few years. Which no one has ever had an inkling about, because that is how I wanted it to be. Not for shame, but because I didn't want to hurt anyone.

In my head, no one is there other than my Nan and my Dog. Sad as that may sound and as much as I try to fight the feeling that it isn't true, that is where my head goes, so when I have got to the point of wanting to kill myself. The only things stopping me are my Nan and Harley, yes I could kill Harley before myself, but how can I? I told you I have thought this through...

Having got pretty close a couple of months ago, driving down a road at speed with lots of huge trees, with Harley in the back. Thinking about how alone I was, with no support and how easy it would be to unclip both of our seatbelts and drive straight into one of those trees, well I decided it was time to get help.

I have now started counseling which thus far has helped me in ways I never thought about, making me acknowledge the fact that I dissociate myself mentally from pretty much any situation that could cause me any harm. That has subsequently left me in a state where I am very unfeeling, having not felt any true emotion for years because it is much easier to block yourself from any feeling than to open yourself up to potential hurt.

Looking back at the last few years and my childhood, which I cannot remember (other than maybe 10 memories), it is no wonder I am where I am. From my upbringing, boyfriends, school, and friendships I have constantly been let down in every single area.

I have never really had a father figure in my life, other than my Grandad, even that I cannot remember and to be honest that saddens me greatly. Especially now he is gone, I cannot reminisce about the times we had. My relationship with my Mum hasn't always been the best, but hopefully, over time and with my ongoing sessions we can work on our relationship.

Being bullied right the way through school certainly wasn't any fun and didn't help with my self-esteem. Becoming despondent and angry at such a young age, probably added to the events that followed. Where I constantly strived for approval, as you get older, you change in shape and appearance.

So when I left school and started my apprenticeship, I never imagined I would get the attention I did. Looking back now I realise that it was extremely wrong, almost grooming and sexual assault. Getting attention at college was one thing, but being told to wear specific items of clothing to work and come in at specific times is completely another. Luckily it never got to an actual sexual relationship, however, there were acts in between. There's not much I can do now, other than try to move on and get better.

My actual relationships have been mostly abusive ones, from my first pouring boiling water on my head, to my last emotionally manipulating me. That's not saying I have never been in the wrong at all, because I have, we all have, but I never deserved that.

Then there come the friends in your life, I have lost at least one very important person this year and though I will never know if we will ever see eye to eye again. I am left with this feeling of guilt. I don't know why, because the thing is friends come and go. This may sound harsh, but this is how I feel, people say they will be there, that you can call, you can message whenever. The thing is, they never really are, I can go weeks without hearing from some people and why should it be me asking for help?

If you know where my head is at, that I am sitting on the edge of a cliff ready to dive, why should I be the one to call you and ask you to stop me? Anyone that knows me well, will know if I want to do something I won't ask, I won't call for help, I will just do it.

I hope that this will help to raise the awareness of mental health and bring about discussions in peoples lives. One thing sufferers need to be aware of is that there is no shame in feeling the way that you do, and although not everyone will fully understand what you're going through, true friends and family will do their best too.

Going forward I will continue to update you guys on my journey because I do think it is important to realise we are all human, who suffer in different ways. Hopefully continuing with counseling and talking openly will help me to become a brighter me again.

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.

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2 comments

  1. No one talks about mental health, because it’s something that most people don’t have experience with, or if they do, they won’t want to talk about it, but it does help in the right environment, and only once the person experiencing it is reasonably ready to accept help. [Trigger warning before you read on]

    Thank you for sharing your story, it doesn't just help people going through similar things, it helps partners of people who will continue to hope, and continue to be brave, even when it is difficult to see anything else for their loved ones.

    The gritty truth
    You have to help yourself, no one will do it all for you, they will support you and they will give you comfort, but it is up to you to bring yourself to ask and seek help to get through the really tough parts which you're doing, so well done you.

    My partner’s family have mental health issues that go back a few generations, including Schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder(which are different), depression, anxiety, hallucinations (auditory and visual) as well as some other things that are all sprinkled in, which made her life a living hell.

    Myself, having been mentally and physically abused by someone I knew as an adult. My partner and I make a pretty sad pair sometimes, but we have always made it through and I often compare us to two jigsaw puzzles that got put in the same box, and somehow fit together. Fixing each other’s missing pieces.

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  2. I hope that in sharing the following, I show you that with support, things can get better and heal.

    2014(ish)
    I’m sat on the corner of the bed in a dimly lit bedroom, with my partner crying and hiding under the duvet, as she struggles to deal with visual hallucinations of a large shadowy figure that repeatedly had been appearing at the end of the bed, or in the corner of the room with big glowing eyes and talking to her. This only exacerbated by a constant anxiety and irrational fear that someone or something was constantly watching her.

    Large sludge-like black globs drip from the ceiling in her head and onto the bed. She knows it’s not real and discourages herself from talking to the hallucinations- taking her medication to help to reduce not eliminate her symptoms. But today is different.
    She leaps out of bed crying and runs to the kitchen. Bounding into the hallway, and then into the kitchen grabbing the largest knife she can find and gestures towards her neck.
    Luckily, I am quick enough to grab hold of her wrist before the knife reaches any skin. She shouts, and struggles and eventually drops the blade and slumps into an inconsolable ball of sadness on my chest.

    I’m broken and exhausted, staying awake to make sure she doesn’t try again, and to provide some comfort from the hallucinations- after removing all the knifes and sharp objects from the house and locking them in my car and hiding the keys.

    Flash forward to a few years ago, My partner’s mental health is much better and we are living in her parent’s home to help to support her dad who has been struggling with his mental health so much that he had thoughts about “having to kill himself to save him and his family”. Eventually culminating in a search party at 3am to find him trying to slit his wrists in the middle of a field blackout drunk.

    After seeing him try to take his own life, she experiences multiple bouts of PTSD and starts to experience the voices starting to return, but knowing her triggers I can see something is going on, we talk to her doctor together, we work together to find a medication that works for her and brought her back from the brink of mental destruction.
    But, she did all the heavy lifting. The endless nights terrified if the shadowy figure would return, the constant will to push through. You have to hit rock bottom before things can go up.

    I’m glad to say with the right medication and constant support – SHE, not WE, made it out and has been without any mental health problems for around 2 years now. But reaching out in her time of need and talking to someone willing to be there to comfort and support her above all else, made all the difference to allow HER to take control of her life, and ultimately bring it back full circle.

    It was a decision she made in her own head to say "No, I won't let this be me" every day, and keep pushing one day at a time, that ultimately lead to her being free of mental health issues for over 2 years now. So keep chugging, however hard it seems, because once you hit bottom, you become a stronger person because of it.

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