Thursday, 23 August 2018

Me, Myself & Suicide

I know the title may seem a little controversial and not within my usual remit, but this has been a long time coming and having now finally told my Nan how I am feeling, I am finally able to open up. Saying that I have probably already re-written this sentence about 5 times, I guess I don't really know how to start or introduce this subject.


I just want to start by saying I have spoken to those close to me, I am currently in counseling and I am in no way crying wolf, calling for help or anything like that. I suppose I just want to release what is in my head and hopefully it may help someone in a similar position seek help.

It is no secret that I have been struggling mentally, feeling low is an understatement, but what people have been unaware of is just how far I have fallen. Letting things spin out of control, to the point where I have considered the worst on more than one occasion.

Considering ending it all, is not something to take lightly and should never be ignored, though I understand that some people may use it as a way to get attention. For me, I have had several thoughts this year alone and a few more in the past few years. Which no one has ever had an inkling about, because that is how I wanted it to be. Not for shame, but because I didn't want to hurt anyone.

In my head, no one is there other than my Nan and my Dog. Sad as that may sound and as much as I try to fight the feeling that it isn't true, that is where my head goes, so when I have got to the point of wanting to kill myself. The only things stopping me are my Nan and Harley, yes I could kill Harley before myself, but how can I? I told you I have thought this through...

Having got pretty close a couple of months ago, driving down a road at speed with lots of huge trees, with Harley in the back. Thinking about how alone I was, with no support and how easy it would be to unclip both of our seatbelts and drive straight into one of those trees, well I decided it was time to get help.

I have now started counseling which thus far has helped me in ways I never thought about, making me acknowledge the fact that I dissociate myself mentally from pretty much any situation that could cause me any harm. That has subsequently left me in a state where I am very unfeeling, having not felt any true emotion for years because it is much easier to block yourself from any feeling than to open yourself up to potential hurt.

Looking back at the last few years and my childhood, which I cannot remember (other than maybe 10 memories), it is no wonder I am where I am. From my upbringing, boyfriends, school, and friendships I have constantly been let down in every single area.

I have never really had a father figure in my life, other than my Grandad, even that I cannot remember and to be honest that saddens me greatly. Especially now he is gone, I cannot reminisce about the times we had. My relationship with my Mum hasn't always been the best, but hopefully, over time and with my ongoing sessions we can work on our relationship.

Being bullied right the way through school certainly wasn't any fun and didn't help with my self-esteem. Becoming despondent and angry at such a young age, probably added to the events that followed. Where I constantly strived for approval, as you get older, you change in shape and appearance.

So when I left school and started my apprenticeship, I never imagined I would get the attention I did. Looking back now I realise that it was extremely wrong, almost grooming and sexual assault. Getting attention at college was one thing, but being told to wear specific items of clothing to work and come in at specific times is completely another. Luckily it never got to an actual sexual relationship, however, there were acts in between. There's not much I can do now, other than try to move on and get better.

My actual relationships have been mostly abusive ones, from my first pouring boiling water on my head, to my last emotionally manipulating me. That's not saying I have never been in the wrong at all, because I have, we all have, but I never deserved that.

Then there come the friends in your life, I have lost at least one very important person this year and though I will never know if we will ever see eye to eye again. I am left with this feeling of guilt. I don't know why, because the thing is friends come and go. This may sound harsh, but this is how I feel, people say they will be there, that you can call, you can message whenever. The thing is, they never really are, I can go weeks without hearing from some people and why should it be me asking for help?

If you know where my head is at, that I am sitting on the edge of a cliff ready to dive, why should I be the one to call you and ask you to stop me? Anyone that knows me well, will know if I want to do something I won't ask, I won't call for help, I will just do it.

I hope that this will help to raise the awareness of mental health and bring about discussions in peoples lives. One thing sufferers need to be aware of is that there is no shame in feeling the way that you do, and although not everyone will fully understand what you're going through, true friends and family will do their best too.

Going forward I will continue to update you guys on my journey because I do think it is important to realise we are all human, who suffer in different ways. Hopefully continuing with counseling and talking openly will help me to become a brighter me again.

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.

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