Monday, 22 October 2018

Wish Upon A Star | My Mental Health Journey

Recently I had been doing pretty well, feeling a lot happier and more confident in myself. Having no feelings of darkness or many low days, this, in turn, is something to fear, when you start to look and sound more 'normal' people tend to not check up on you anymore.

I know, I know everyone has busy lives and hectic schedules, but you all seem to make time for funerals and wakes etc. Make time to visit graves and say things you wish you could have said. It's just a thought to ponder on.

A recent family drama, where I have once again have had to step up to the mark and take charge of the situation as such, has left me at odds. I never moan or grumble about helping others, I never ask for anything in return; I simply help those that need me. They need me to be strong and level-headed, they need me to sort out communication in another country, so I do it.

This is something that I suspect I will never change about myself, it is just who I am, how I am wired. The thing is, I am always the one to be strong, to hold everyone else up when the world is crashing down around us. Considering I am nearly 29, and I have had this role my entire life, I should be used to it right?

Yet I am left wondering and saddened, for when will anyone hold me up when I fall? Who will be there to pick me up? If I am always the one standing tall for everyone else, being the adult, then what happens when I need someone?

I do Wish Upon A Star, that someday somehow that someone will come along and be there for me, to catch me when I fall. Because I will let you in on a secret, if this carries on too much longer, I will fall, I will break.

Although this is likely never going to happen for me, the one positive I can take from this current experience is that I am now finally recognising my feelings. I am acknowledging the fact that I am not a stone cold rock and sometimes we need to take a step back to say no, I need to look after myself for a while. I will admit, this is not always easy where certain people in my life are concerned because if I didn't do it then no one else would and they would be left with nowhere to turn and I couldn't live with myself if I did that.

I suppose that's where others need to take a look in the mirror and realise what pressure they are putting on my shoulders. Starting to acknowledge my pain and needs is a big step for me, counseling has made me realise that I shut down and cut off from all emotions. Which is a fairly common defense mechanism for those like me, who are used to being let down and haven't ever had a real loving relationship.

So if like me you usually switch off, feel nothing and don't allow yourself to feel any pain. For example, 10 years ago my Grandfather passed and I have never mourned his death because of the reason above where I had to be strong and be there for everyone else. Allow yourself to feel, even if you just acknowledge that you don't feel, that is a step in the right direction. Trust me, you will start to have a happier life and look out for yourself more.

Trousers: Miss Selfridge
Shoes: Next
Black Top: H&M

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


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