Tuesday, 4 December 2018

Having Those Dark Thoughts Again?!

Sure it's easy to say pull yourself out of it, snap out of it. You have lots to live for and plenty of people around you, blah blah blah. The usual mumbo jumbo, but the thing is when you're in that frame of mind it can be ever so hard to see any of that, no matter how genuine and heartfelt someones words may be.

After months of counseling and honestly feeling so much better, brighter and happier in myself; never did I think that I would have fallen back to where I started. Back to having these thoughts again.
Yes I know I am confessing to having them pretty much straight after the fact, but, hopefully, that is progress in one sense and in another well I know for a fact I can't do a damned thing about it if everyone I know knows about what I am potentially thinking. Not that I actually think I would, but you get the point I am trying to make. Talk to people, write it down get it out of your head, that helps so much.

Over the past month or couple of months, I have been spiraling back down a rabbit hole. Trying desperately to crawl my way back to the light with no avail. One thing after another has piled on top, creating a snowball effect as it were and this weekend was just the tip of the iceberg that broke me.

If you read my last post, you will know that I love going to agility and felt such support and kindness there. It was a great place for me to go and get out once a week, also a chance for me to bond and train with Harley. A couple of Fridays ago, however, was a different story entirely. I was confronted with such an unwelcome feeling and emotions that left me with no other option than to leave the class and go home. Having been told that I need to seek professional help for my dog, due to people being concerned for the welfare of their dogs and my dog causing disruption with her barking.

This all coming out of the blue, with no trigger whatsoever, nothing was any different to any other night. All dogs get excited at classes such as that, they bark and run around, sure she is a big dog with a heck of a bark. Yet that shouldn't matter, she is just a dog at the end of the day and I have her under control. Either way, after years of training there and all the nice supportive things they have said, for it to all be turned around and basically tell me to leave and get Harley help. I just couldn't believe it or stand it. I felt so small and unwanted.

That all being said I know that it be okay in the end, I have got some amazing friends and people around me. I am being much more open about how I am feeling right off the bat, rather than; letting it boil up inside. Come the New Year I will find a new training group and get our schedule back on track again, hopefully, this time without any bitchy people around. If all else fails, then I will make my own equipment and train her myself.

Trousers: H&M
Boots: Primark
Top: Brave Soul

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


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