Tuesday, 8 January 2019

I Finally Understand Why It's Okay Not To Be Okay | My Mental Health Journey

Following on with my mental health journey and counseling, I still struggle to actually open up. I know that may seem hard to grasp considering I waffle on and on here all the time, ranting and raving about god knows what, about whatever has happened to me or others in my life. That doesn't mean to say that I actually open myself up and allow myself to feel anything about it though. 

Allowing myself to let any form of feeling in, has been a no go area for me as long as I can remember, I automatically switch off from anything or anyone that can potentially hurt me in any way. I know that deep down I need to stop doing it, truthfully it is no way to live and how can I ever truly meet anyone and make a connection if I am never truly feeling. 

The last few months of 2018 were pretty hard for me, letting in people from my past that I thought I could trust. One, okay probably not so much, given our track record and past, I should have known better. That being said I allowed them into my life allowing myself to feel like I could have a laugh, friendship or more. Starting to open up and let some of my walls down is a huge step for me, let alone an ongoing battle to learn to trust those around me with my true self hiding deep behind those walls.

When the time came and I was inevitably letdown, I did what I always do and brushed it off. Just shoved down the hurt and thought hey ho another day another letdown. What more is there to be done about it, I don't want to feel pain, upset or hollow, I don't want to cry and I certainly do not want to let myself slip back into that dark black whole rocking on the edge of a cliff. That's the truth of it, or so I found out recently, I don't allow myself to feel even the slightest bit of sadness because I am too scared that I will end up right back at the start.  

So it's here that I have come to understand what IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY, really means, to allow yourself to feel the small things. Let in the hurt when you've been hurt or letdown, feel the tears. My counselor gave me a really good mantra to concentrate on when I need to try to let in those small feelings, "The House is not Burning Down, It's just burnt Toast." Just because you are allowing yourself to feel a little heartache doesn't mean that everything is going to come crashing down, believe me, this is not an easy concept for me write let alone grasp. 

Knowing your emotions, deciphering them into logical sense can be a great tool to help overcome a sense of drowning. For example, I have always wanted kids, yet whenever I see babies or hold a baby I completely switch off. I don't want to get attached or do the normal aww, let me cuddle them for hours etc. I want to give them back asap and keep well away, I will help out mechanically because that's how I am wired but I just don't get emotional. Working this back I found out that I feel this way because of my need to stay emotionally detached from anything that can hurt me. This is not the baby or mother, this is the actual picture of the situation itself. The picture of a happy family, the perfect father and my child with Harley of course. It is all a way for me to block out my emotions and quite simply jealousy of the situation, which is in no way anyone's fault, especially not mine. 

I guess to conclude if you're in a similar boat, breakdown your emotions/ feelings, find the route. Allow yourself to feel that or whatever you need to feel and remember - "The House is not Burning Down, It's just burnt Toast."

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


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