Monday, 12 August 2019

Why I May seem Cold when we First Meet...



Over the last year and a half, I have been made to feel as though I am a very cold and heartless individual. Someone that can seem as though they walk around with their head held high above all others and look down their nose to look at all the lower individuals they believe to be beneath them.
Thankfully, I know for a fact that this is not true, this is NOT me and the people that truly know me for me know this too. In fact, they are the people that have made me come around, the ones that made me realize this to be true. 

"Some People will never like you because your silence irritates their Demons"

Needless to say, I have acknowledged that whilst I know I am not a heartless bitch, I do have a tendency to not show my true self to people I may not trust or know. Thus, giving off a slightly chilly vibe, due to the wall created to protect me; staying quiet and only participating in conversation when absolutely necessary. Giving as little information about myself as possible.

People like me, who have been worn down and constantly let down one way or another. Have now taken the choice to cut people out, to choose who to be around, so when we meet new people it doesn't come easy to just let it all out and be completely free and open. Believe me, I have been working on it and am a lot more open than I was a year ago, however, there are times and places that I will be very reserved. 

Depending on the situation, how others are interacting I may start to open up. Again, I will see how people react to the slight show of myself and if you react well, GREAT! If it turns nasty somehow,, as it seems to have done in one situation I have been subject too, I will go deeper into my shell. You will then be left to your own devices as to how to interpret me and for that, I guess I apologize. I apologize for your lack of integrity, because, we are all different and shouldn't be judged for our silence. 



So sure, I understand it if you think I may be a dislikeable unfun person, give me time. Let me come out of my shell and show you who I really am, from my own experience those people are the best kind of people to have around. Okay, that sounded a little condescending and pig-headed, what I mean is that people who take their time to choose who they spend their time with, who they choose to show their true selves too are usually the most loyal and fun to be around. 

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


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Saturday, 10 August 2019

Taking Steps to get my Mojo Back!

It's all very well and good saying that you want to feel better, you do seem better and can see the light; but acknowledging what got you in the slump in the first place is just as much about getting you out of it, as keeping yourself out.


I realized only last week how much I missed certain areas of my life, as silly as that sounds, I think we take for granted the small things. After taking some time to actually care for myself and get rid of my overwhelming migraine, I sat and ate the same sort of meal I cook most nights. It wasn't anything special or out of this world, to my man, in particular, he would say it was pretty bland, but to me for the first time in an extremely long time; I sat back and was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I have got my love for food back, to the extent that I crave eating again, don't get me wrong I eat a lot! But usually for the reason of having too, not because I LOVE too!

It's these little moments that give me the realization that I need to pull myself further up out of whatever this slump is, I have let those around me influence me, drag me down to a level of self-doubt. Somewhere I thought I had risen above, however, your subconscious is a funny thing. Keeping those seeds there in the back of your mind, letting them sprout into weeds that take over your garden, and we all know unless you tend to your garden regularly, it can get out of control. 

Here are some tips I have picked up on over the past few years: 

Never Force Anything - There is one thing that you have to remember when trying to not go back down the rabbit hole, never force yourself to be better. It will happen in its own time, you have to take steps to help yourself along the way though. 

Faking a Smile - Whilst you may have mastered what I like to call your "mask", the face you put out to everyone in the world except yourself. You will be setting yourself up for disaster, trust me on this one, I have done it for years! There are times that I still do it, so I know all too well how easy it is to slip back into old habits, but, with your nearest and dearest never wear your mask. Show them your true face, your sadness, your darkness and best of all your true smile. 

Talk & Cry - I have such a bad habit of bottling things up, letting things slide and not letting people in on what's really going on. No matter how silly or insignificant you think it may be, all those small things add up over time and believe me they boil over and you will eventually explode! So please find someone to talk to and if you want to cry, then cry!

Keep up your Interests! - Having started to get back into writing on here and editing my photos, getting such amazing feedback! I can only say that I wish I had kept at it, maybe it would have helped me focus a little more on me and less on the negative going on. So don't give up on whatever it is you love to do!

So I am here, I am back and I am ready to fight! Given how far I have come mentally on my own, in the past year alone. I don't think I will let anyone dim my shine anymore. I will be honest, I want a lot to happen this year and me being in a slump, letting my anxiety take over is just going to get in the way of that. Sure, I will have to do things I don't necessarily want to do, sometimes you do just want to be alone and not deal with the social interactions. I will do them, for those that have supported me and been here. 

As someone special said to me take it one day at a time...

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


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Wednesday, 7 August 2019

Halfway Through the Year.. Lets have a Look Back

The last few months have been pretty darn hard for me. Not being able to talk to the one person I want to properly, has not helped the situation much; but if you know me well then you will know I have a bad habit of putting up and shutting up. Carrying on, as if nothing is on and let the candle burn out as it were.



A certain area of my life has created a very stressful environment to be in which has caused my chronic headaches to flare up and thus elevate to migraines. With my underlying anxiety issues, I have found it particularly hard to even do the basic daily tasks, let alone even think about getting back to writing on here. That's the problem with getting low, you lose your mojo, you lose all your kick. I am finished feeling like that though, I want it back. I want to start feeling like I like life again, I love Harley. I love my Man and my family - what is actually wrong. NOTHING! So I need to get out of this funk and not let this beat me, I have come too far!



Wow, me and my Man have been together for nearly 6 months!!! Crazy for me, considering I had resigned myself to not finding anyone and being a crazy dog lady. We have been through our first proper deployment, and I have to say, despite the fact that it has got to be the worst timing ever!  With the stressful situation going on, I have not felt weird or off about it at all. I genuinely believe it takes a certain type of person to be able to be away from your partner for a long period of time, you need to have complete trust and be content in your own space. 

I became an Auntie again, to Nova Joy!! Christie and James had their gorgeous baby girl on the 21st June. Meeting her was such a pleasure, Christie is such a natural mother and that is saying something given that all these years she has hated holding peoples babies and being creeped out by them Seeing her with Nova really gives me all the feels! I have to admit that she is the only baby to ever make me broody, I don't know if it's the fact that I am so close to Christie or that I am with someone who I can actually see myself with.



I have managed to cross off a few more things from my 30 before 30 list, with the help of my man. Not that he knew it, well, I didn't realize it until after some of it. Like one night we went out and decided to go to Gravity in Norwich, which is an indoor trampoline place. Basically relived my youth that night, trying to do backflips and all the stupid things that were so easy as a kid.



So far this year has been pretty amazing, with meeting my Man and new people. Christie and James becoming parents, to the beautiful Nova. I have been to Dorset and had an awesome little road trip with some amazing friends, with more yet to come. The year isn't over and whilst this half of the year has had its challenges, which aren't over yet, I am strong and can overcome anything that is thrown at me. 


That is the one big lesson I have learnt from all of this, I can overcome anything. I can do anything I put my mind too. There are a lot of people out there with struggles and anxiety, but there are a lot more people who struggle daily with a hell of a lot more on their plate than that. 

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


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