Friday, 24 January 2020

Where's Your Head At?

Where is my head at? I don’t even know, I’m up, down, three times turned around. For those that know me all too well, they can vouch for the fact that if I get turned around just the once; well I don’t know which ways left or right let alone where I began. So to even comprehend where my head is at and get my thoughts to align and stop coming up with these stupid unrealistic scenarios is just downright mental. I guess that’s the case with anxiety, especially when you try to carry and ignore you have it. Doh, run yourself ragged, keep saying yes I’m fine over and over, just cracking on will eventually fuck with your head! Insert facepalm emoji here!

No, I do not want sympathy, nor am I blaming or using the anxiety as an excuse.. I, for all intents and purposes, like to vent on my blog. It’s my platform, so if you don’t like it move on, think I’m whining move on, feel like you relate, read on and I may find an end or not - who knows...

I hate starting sentences with I, but the thing is when you’re talking about this kind of thing, what else are you supposed to start it with? Myself? It just sounds so self-centered, that’s vial to me. Though lately, I have realized that I do need to be more selfish, think more like “look after number 1”, it makes me feel sick to think this way even if I need too. I don’t know how many times I have said this, that’s the thing I just can’t switch off from caring.

Don’t get me wrong I can switch off from almost everything else, but being able to turn those close to me away? Never, wish I could, it would make like soooo much easier. Maybe it’s selfish deep down, never having anyone around that would ever take that step to help me unconditionally without any want for anything back, perhaps I overcompensate for that by never saying no and giving more than I have. Who the heck knows.

I honestly have no idea what the point or conclusion of this post is even meant to be... just had a little thought in my head about feeling like I’m turning round and round and had to write it down. Then all this spiel started coming out! I suppose that's the one thing I can control what words spill out on here, so often you find yourself worrying about what someone may construe from it. At the end of the day, that is on them, people tend to take offense to the slightest little thing and if you feel that anything anyone writes or says is aimed at you. Well, perhaps it's time to take a closer look at yourself rather than slamming the person trying to just let go of their thoughts.

People tend to forget that we are all the same and tend to have the same in life. So why is it so damn hard to be kind and supportive to one another? Is it such a stretch to want to have that and start to feel secure rather than this upside down, left, right, quantum leap? 

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.


Sunday, 5 January 2020

Sending Hugs, Love and Hope

A lot of the time I say nothing, I keep quiet and carry on. Though I am sure I am not the only one, what a lot of people don't know is the fact that I have been through something like this before a few times. Being British with a US military father that I have only in recent years gained some form of relationship with, is difficult. 

I still remember the Iraq war back in 2003 onwards, when my father was still in active duty, although I wasn't as close to him at the time, that didn't mean I didn't care. Didn't worry or feel scared for him, that we wouldn't get the chance to have that father-daughter connection. 

At the time I was only a teenager and had little to no support around me, with the majority of those around me not wanting to discuss or acknowledge my father's existence. I was lucky in the fact that we still wrote letters to one another and I was able to contact some of my other US family, but I was still left having to deal with the emotions of not knowing where he was stationed and how he was in the long arse gaps between letters. 

Watching the news unfold, having people talk around you, speculate and judge. I must admit I always wondered whether I would have been able to talk to someone had I have lived in the US or even closer to the bases. Would I have had more support? Hearing the news of soldiers being killed and at the time I didn't have an understanding of how the ranks worked, or even what role my father played -  it was extremely hard for me to know what to react over. Even when I did have a gut-wrenching feeling I had no one to let that out too. Even my young friends at the time couldn't quite comprehend how I felt, I don't think you do unless you actually have some in the forces. 

Having a partner in the military is just as hard, you worry just as much and walk around with that hollow feeling anytime you hear something that could take them away. I'll be honest when we first spoke, I didn't know he was in the military much less American and I never expected to fall for a military guy! But here I am, like so many others who never anticipated this lifestyle. 

It doesn't get easier, but the more support you have around you the better off you will be. That I do know. Never feel alone, talk to those around you and if you don't feel like you have anyone around find support groups online. There are secure ones!

Finally - Sending Hugs, Love and Hope to all Service Men & Women! Come home safe to all. 

Always be kind, you never know what personal battle people are fighting.

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